So life is kind of crappy; I can deal. I can make lemonade from lemons.
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[ Sat Jun 30, 2001 11:45:06 PM | Ashleigh Paige |
Why do I always screw up? And so badly at that?
[ Sat Jun 30, 2001 09:56:39 PM | Ashleigh Paige |
Ok, so I understand that many things are they way they are simply because they are meant to be that way. But does life have to be so incredibly oxymoronic, confusing, and hurtful? So, I am friends with this new guy (he knows who he is). Talk about confusing and oxymoronic. Sometimes, I cannot figure him out. On one hand, he will spill his guts to me, telling me everything there ever was to know about him. Yet, he may not even talk to me or he treats me like dirt at other times. That is ok; that is completely normal. At other moments, it seems as if he wants to "jump my bones." It is as if he likes me so much, wants to get to know me incredibly well; flirtatious does not even begin to describe his manner during these precious moments. However, he denies that he wants anything to do with me. I am not exactly hurt by this; it's just the confusion that it brings about. That is all. And, to top it off, I had such a great time with him tonight, as I always do when I work with him. I actually smile, something I do not do all that often. I even laugh when I am around him. All I really need is a friend.
I wonder sometimes. Ok, so I wonder quite often. But there is nothing wrong with that. It is merely that men are so confusing, so oxymoronic. I don't know what to do most of the time. All I know is that I want a definitive answer.
[ Fri Jun 29, 2001 08:03:24 PM | Ashleigh Paige |
Dead.
Dying.
Bleeding.
Hurting.
Crying.
Lying.
Cheating.
Sighing.
Living. .
Diving.
Imploding.
Exploding.
Dripping.
Dripping.
Exploding.
Imploding.
Diving.
Living.
Sighing.
Cheating.
Lying.
Crying.
Hurting.
Bleeding.
Dying.
Dead.
They are all the same when you are hurt, destroyed, especially when this hurt comes form someone you love. Why are we forced to love when it almost never endures? The reciprocal of love is hurt, and hurt often outshines the love in living. I am hurt. I am bleeding. I am dying. I am crying. I wonder why. I ponder over this situation, and it suddenly hits me in the head - I am a loser. I can deal. But why is it that, when we find someone we love, they are merely out to destroy us? It is a strangely paradoxical world we live in. Soon I will leave, fade away. Maybe someone will miss me, someday.
[ Tue Jun 26, 2001 09:59:53 PM | Ashleigh Paige | edit ]
Ok, so men are crap. That fact has been established many times throughout history. However, sometimes, things deviate from the norm. Right now, my best friend (who lives in New York) wants me to be his girlfriend again, yet he is now being weird. I wanted to see him before I go home, and he tells me that it is not appropriate for me to visit him while he is at work. What kind of BS is that? Then, the guy in Florida that I have been going out wth for nine months is making up all kinds of excuses. If anyone wants me to be their girlfriend, they need to dedicate something to some sort of relationship. This is not a one-sided vocation. And now this guy at work, who is usually the coolest person I have ever conversed with in my life, puts me down sometimes. I asked him a question about why someone else always delves into the subject of my going out with the first co-worker, and the first co-worker tells me it is "not possible" for us to go out. I'm not THAT undesirable. So I'm a freak. I will admit that. But it's the way that everyone else treats me that makes me the way that I am.
[ Tue Jun 26, 2001 08:34:15 PM | Ashleigh Paige |
Fear is no more frightening than fear itself.
That is true.
However, I now feel like an elf.
Stuck inside my own shell, I feel blue.
They left me alone;
Sitting in the corner.
They are up on a throne,
I really am a loner.
I tried so hard.
I always did fail.
Tossed out like an old card,
Discarded, tossed over the rail
Indeed, I died inside.
I thought that I had changed.
I tried,
But I merely became deranged.
And now, here I am,
Again.
Damn,
What if I can?
What if we were all alike?
I wouldn't have to pretend anymore.
I would take a step up to the mike;
I wouldn't be slammed in the door.
Maybe I do know.
I think I can be,
As clean and white as snow.
Yes, I am me.
[ Tue Jun 26, 2001 08:33:43 PM | Ashleigh Paige |
So, here we are.
Standing face to face.
Although the door stands ajar,
We have ended the race.
Trials done;
Loves altered.
Yet, we have had fun.
If only we hadn't faltered.
I miss you my dear.
Through good and bad;
It has been sheer
Bliss, even at times happy and mad.
I loved you more than all,
And love you I still do.
If only that fall
Had not occurred with you.
Then maybe I would be happy,
Not sad.
Things now seem so crappy,
So bleak, so bad.
Today you graduated and left
Behind some glamorous times.
If only my deft
Sense of perception had relieved me of my crimes...
I would not have to endure this hurt.
I would not have to feel this pain.
I would not be missing the time of my life.
I would not be lost in life.
I need you so much.
Please come back.
It is so rough
Without you
Here.
Holding me.
Comforting me.
Loving me.
Without you,
I am no one,
Not even me.
So now here we are.