So life is kind of crappy; I can deal. I can make lemonade from lemons.
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Tonight I revisted a part of myself that left me quite a while ago, my innocence. I was watching the movie The Princess Bride. The first time I viewed this movie, I was in the sixth grade, and Mrs. Igualada (whom I still have as a teacher today, as ironic as that may be) told us of the essence of the movie. Yet, I did not realize the true meanings of the words until the conclusion of the movie tonight.
The main theme in the movie is true love. I do not believe that people ever fall out of love. Everyone that gets divorced claims that they were in love at one point in time, but that the majic was merely lost. That is a farce if I have ever heard one...
Anyway, there is no age requirement to fall in love, and that is yet another reason why I believe that I must tell my story. Many people know that I have been working on a book for quite some time now, and I have simply neglected it as of late. This will eventually be an addition to that chronology of events, but I must say what I have to before it leaves my mind.
My story begins in the summer of 2000. For some reason, I was dating a friend in New York. However, when my summer institute for debate began in late July of that year, I began to have doubts on that relationship. Being someone of few past relationships anyway, I wasn't ready to take on a task of this measure. That is also besides the fact that a certain one of my other friends had begun to incessantly hit on me, and to tell the truth, I was enjoying it. Fast forward to late September, and he asked me to the Homecoming dance numerous times. I proceeded to refuse many more times. Don't take it the wrong way, I am simply not the person to indulge in these types of activities.
Yet, on the evening of Thursday, October 5, 2000, things were about to take a sudden change. I was on a Debate trip to the City of Brotherly Love. My teacher had instructed my friend who was hitting on me, Danny, to keep his hands off of me for the duration of the trip. Please, are two seventeen-year-olds are going to behave in that manner while in a hotel room 1300 miles from their parents? I REALLY do not think so.
Back to the matter at hand, Danny barely lasted 3 hours, as he proceeded to grab my newly-single hand (yes, I had finally liberated myself from the guy back home on Long Island). Even quicker than that, Danny pulled a move that I will never forget as he leaned in to kiss me for the first time...except that we were still on the plane. Yet, something was different about this seemingly innocent peck on the lips. It held some sort fo magic. This one miniscule kiss unlocked so many doors, it was the master key to my future. For the rest of the weekend, I was walking on air, not ice, especially since it was still quite warm in Philadelphia, especially by my standards. Needless to say, I ended up at homecoming with Danny, and I had quite a wonderful time, except for one slight misshap to remain unnamed.
Things progressed wonderfully from then on, and I can most certainly say that I fell in love in an extremely short amount of time. The times that we spent together were the most amazing of my life; I never had been so happy and/or exhilarated before. The only qualm I had, and a slight one at that, was one of my ultimate pet peeves. I cannot be in someone's company for 48 hours straight, nor can I stand to be barraged by someone, and here is where I made the most horrible mistake of my life. Now, months later, I still greatly regret it.
I began to push Danny away, even in just little small ways. The love didn't die, as I believe that it never can when you are truly in love. When he would approach me during lunch, I would be exceedingly rude and tell him to go away. I had no idea of what it was, but there seemed to be some sort of vehement driving source inside of me, generating this horrible aggression. Had I know what would procure from this, I would have never taken my course of actions; I would have confronted the voice inside my head and restrained it. However, that voce persisted, and I lost the battle.
By the end of April 2001, Danny said he would give me time to work my problems out, as I was under an incredible amount of stress from school and my peers. I was most certainly still in love with him, but something was suppressing my true feelings. It would not let me speak out on what I wanted to say to him, to tell him how much I really cared about him. I'd like to say that it was not fair, but what about life is, in actuality, fair? Nothing is. The top of the kettle flew off when Danny ended up kissing another girl, three years his junior. And if true irony has ever been present, this was the time. The girl that he kissed was one of my best friends in elementary school. What a slap back into the real world that was - I finally got a legit wake-up call.
When she was suddenly Danny's girlfriend and I was not, I began to wonder what had occurred. We were in LOVE. True, deep, meaningful love. Danny had constantly told me how he loved me more than everything else in the world, and I knew that I had reciprocated those feelings. This was when my dirty-blonde head gained great perceptive knowledge. "I love you" is not a group of three words, it's not words at all. This represents immense feelings, feelings that you only receive once in a lifetime, and they truly mean something. Unfortunately, they may, at times, be repressed by confoudning variables. My best advice is to not ignore those feelings as I did; say no to the little voice in your head. True love is so different from the lust that most depict as love. Love is an all-over feeling that takes over every single sensation in your body. And I still feel this every waking moment of every single day that I live. From the time I wake up in the morning to the time that I retire for the night, the blood of love pumps through my veins. Dammit I feel it, and it is what makes me so alive, so here.
Danny, I know you have read all of this, and I cannot fathom where I should begin to apologize for everything that went wrong. We had something so special, and I went and fucked it up, as I do with so many things. You know that I still love you so very much, and I hope that you can find it in your heart somewhere to forgive me. Whenever I tell you that I love you, you tell me that you know how I feel about you. Well, how do you feel about me? You used to love me, and I know that it still exists, somewhere inside you. It's your turn to examine the situation and find it.
We got back together, even though we never totally broke up, at the beginning of June 2001. We worked out numerous problems during the summer, yet something was still missing. I was doing the work for my part; the enigma was on Danny's behalf. I know what it was. Suppressed feelings strained our relationship once more. We're still working on it, but it is slightly harder now that he is 300 miles away at college. But, hey, it's better than 1500 miles. What I am trying to convey here is DO NOT, under any circumstances, deny your true feelings. That is the worst thing to evem implicate upon yourself. Even now, as Michael Jackson's Billy Jean is playing from my CD-player, denial rings through the air. Denial is a horrible drug with a voracious appetite. I hate it with a passion. Don't screw up as I did. I love Danny like no one else, yet I may never be able to restore things to their original level, I keep trying, keep hoping, keep the love alive.